Ever since I can remember, I have "loved Jesus". Yes, I grew up attending church regularly and have claimed to "loving Jesus" my entire life. But I don't know if that "love" I had for Jesus was true?? Is it now? How do I know?? Loving God is a whole lot more complex than it seems. In the world we live in today, we as Christians have created our own "modern-Jesus". We have made it okay to break His commands continuously without repentance. We honestly believe that "God understands" and that" He'll just forgive me later.." But our God, the God of the universe, the Maker of ALL things, the Alpha and the Omega, the ONLY God worthy of all our praise IS a God of love, but He is also a God of judgement and wrath as well. We have created this "modern-Jesus" in self-righteousness to run from God. We have fooled ourselves into believing that God is not serious when He declared that we should put Him first in our lives, and we worship materialistic objects instead.We genuinely believe that "God needs us". But truth is: God is God of all things.. so why in the name of macaroni & cheese does the Lord of all things need us?? That's right, He doesn't.. we NEED Him. We are not worth a penny without Him. We are reliant on Him for everything.. But admitting that is extremely difficult, so instead we try to empower ourselves by thinking otherwise. Although it kills me to admit, but I am guilty of doing this as well.
I have many faults, and commit many sins.. too many to be numbered actually. One of those faults is my inability to admit my wrongdoings. I absolutely HATE to look bad in front of others. I am also guilty of picking my split ends, being violent at times, and even treating others like complete trash. Another of those faults is my bull-headed-attititude that mixes with my uncontrollable mood swings. Today, I went to Huntsville with my mom, Diane, and the 4 kids to shop. Well, when we left early in the day, I had no idea that I had signed up for an entire 12 hour trip. I had expected to go shopping, maybe eat at Rosies, buy a couple of items, and go home at a relatively early hour... but this is not what they had in store for me. Although I was having a pretty good-time, the kids were driving me bananas. The continuous fighting, picking at one another, and acting like total hellions with no sense to them in every store was a lot to deal with, especially with a headache and little sleep. So, I took the chance to ask my mom if we could just go home.. and she said no. And like the selfish brat I am, I took this opportunity to throw a complete fit. I didnt want to stay with them any longer.. I wanted to go home and do what I wanted to do.. pleasing them was inconvienincing me and I was not going to tolerate it. So I fussed and yelled.. and it didnt work. So I started thinkin.. Hmm, If talking isnt helping, I'm just going to be rude and NOT say a word to anyone. Of course, mom was asking question after question.. "whats your problem?", "why cant you just do something for someone else?", "are you REALLy this selfish??", "why aren't you answering me??!!", ect.. At this point, being the talkative person I am, I blew up. I couldnt contain my emotions any longer and went on a rant exaggerating reality into some awful place that is just out-to-get-me. I said some hateful and hurtful things. Not only to my mom and Diane, but to the kids. If you know me at all, you know kids are my passion. They are what make me feel excitement and zeal for life and God.. they honestly are the reason God put life into me. So, as I sat there pondering all the things I had just said.. I became overwhelmed with grief and embarrassment. I couldnt believe I had acted in the manner that I did. I couldn't fathom that I had honestly hurt thier feelings and tore them down. But what for?? Why had I acted so immature?? To empower myself.. to make them bow down to me.. to make sure they 'heard me roar'...?? As the car ride continued, I became more and more upset. Finally, I just broke down. I had let my selfishness get in the way of the bigger picture.. I had been defiant to my mom, placed myself and my own feelings above others, ripped apart their feelings.. and more importantly, I had been disobediant to God.. I had disobeyed Him. It was in that moment that I realized that I owe not only my mom, Diane, and the kids an apology.. but God as well. I pray that God gives me the strength to humble myself to such a level that I can apologize genuinely for acting so terribly.
I haven't blogged in quite a while.. so it has felt pretty dang amazing doing so again. Blogging gives me peace and a feeling of relief. Whoever came up with the idea of "blogging" was a pretty intellectual kinda guy. I probably owe that guy a lot for his ability to invent something that can prevent my insanity from going on a rampage.. Well, God is good. It is my joy to honor Him in all I do, I pray He gives me the ability to do so.
love ya. k bye :))
